If I were to type it in it wouldn’t be that bad. I mean I can just erase the history. But what if mom comes home early? It doesn’t matter; she won’t be home until like four. That gives me a hour and a half. I can just look at a couple of bad pictures and be done. What if she finds them though? What if somehow my brother hacks into the history and finds it? I don’t care. It is totally worth it.
I type in the raunchy gay pornography site and proceed to do what boys do. The only problem is I am wrong. Not because it is pornography but because it is the same sex. I feel guilty for being sinful and giving into my sins. I am demented by the devil for sure.
Who in the world could possibly think the same sex is attractive? I mean, there is something wrong with me for sure.
Wow, his body is ripped. I think to myself. I get aroused and continue with the process. I click through the photos and for a moment I stop feeling ashamed of what I am doing. For a moment everything feels alright and safe. For a moment I can just relax. But, there it is again.
My stomach turns over once or twice as I quickly exit out of the site and excessively delete the history. The computer is slow as the page flies across the bar into a little recycle bin. I think to myself what if all the history just goes into the recycle bin? I better delete that as well. I go back online and delete the history again just to be sure it is gone. I type in the beginning of the website I had just used and see it is no longer there.
After getting up from the computer and going into my bedroom I hear the apartment door open with that annoying creak. Mom is home early and my heart goes into a panic as I think to myself don’t go into the computer room over and over again.
I shut my door and listen over the cars passing on the road outside. She walks around heavy stepped as always and with a powerful breath. Then she does what I am dreading. She walks into the computer room. I can hear her clicking on the keyboard. Time seems to be nonexistent as I lay down on my twin size bed. I am sick to my stomach and I hold my breath irrationally thinking this will save me from what I did.
Coming from the computer room my mom yells nagging, “What the hell is this?”
I go into my act mode. Years of innocent practice kick in as I try to control my heart beat as I respond, “What the hell is what?”
I go into the room expecting to see the video of two guys being intimate as mom responds before realizing I was already in the room, “Come here and look.”
Luckily all I see is a video me and my brother made when he was drinking one summer. It was just him and a bottle of alcohol.
I was relieved to hear her say as she exaggerated to make me somehow feel bad, “I don’t appreciate finding these videos on my computer. I could get into trouble and have my career ruined if someone found this.”
