Mz. Pink,
I am a lesbian from a small town. Not only are there very few of us here who are my age, but the ones who are here aren’t full-blown lesbians. That being said, my on-again-off- again girlfriend always goes back to the same guy when we break up. While she does this I sit and wait for her to come back.
I love her, but when is enough enough? I want to be with her and I give her many chances and she always comes back to me but why does she run to this guy when we break up? Why does she tell me I’m all she ever wants and needs and then leaves to go be with a boy? I’m heartbroken. I don’t have any other options to run off and be with anyone else because of the size of our community and I don’t know if I would, even if I had the chance. If we break up I will see her over and over almost every day so how do I do this? How do we break up and make it stick?
Small town problems.
Dear Small town,
MOVE… But since that probably isn’t an option right now, we are going to have to come up with a game plan to get you happy with being you in a small town and possibly being alone. That may sound scary, but being alone is better than being in a toxic relationship. Trust me I know about toxic relationships and I know about giving chances.
I am a believer in second chances if the time is right. My wife and I were together when we were younger then had a long break, but we have been the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives since we got back together. We both gave each other a second chance and in this case it worked. But chances over and over again can become a problem as you can see since you are living in this situation. I also get breaking up in the heat of an argument, then realizing it was a stupid argument and getting back together. But there is a line — a time to stop and see that it isn’t going to work.
The fact you are searching for advice means that you know something isn’t right as far as the making up and breaking up. You have to set those limits and you have to come to grips with possibly being alone in a small town — IF you can make yourself believe that being on your own for a while is the best thing for you right now. That will allow you to focus on other things that will make you better for yourself so when the time is right you can be a great catch for a girl who appreciates you even through an argument.
As far as your ex jumping from you to her boyfriend: This isn’t fair to you or him. She needs to decide who she wants to be with and then stick to it. She sounds as if she has some issues to work out for herself that have nothing to do with you or him. This is a sad situation for two people who just want to be with this girl. It really is going to be a process for you to move on, but once you make the decision that you don’t want to be second to somebody else, then you can take the next step of regaining who you are. She is in there somewhere, but sometimes while caring for someone else, you lose pieces of yourself. Get those pieces back! You survived before her and you will survive after her. Love her from a distance. Once you can accept that her issues are far beyond anything with you, then you can begin to see that they are her, not your, issues.
I advise you to talk with her before you make any decisions. Maybe she will talk to you about what she’s surely going through. Try not to argue because you will never get anything resolved if you are so angry that you can’t communicate. Know that you both have issues and tell her that. Explain what you are going through, too, even if she doesn’t open up. I think this will be a great starting point for getting your life back.
You will feel better once you actually tell her how you feel and what you want out of a relationship. If she can’t go along then she doesn’t respect your feelings — and you don’t need that. Good luck figuring this out. It won’t be an easy process, but you will get it together. I guarantee that.
Good luck,
Mz. Pink
