So, I’ve had a bit of writer’s block in the last few weeks, but yesterday I had an epiphany that has lead me to construct a bulldozer to tear down those walls. I know, it’s scary to think that I’ve got an opinion, right? For weeks I had been asking the universe to supply me with some inspiration, and as per usual, she answered with a resounding smack to the head. On at least five separate occasions, I was asked a question, in some way or another, that I thought I’d never hear again after years of being out. "Do you ever wish you weren’t gay?" Another variation is, "do you think your life would be different or better if you had been straight?" I gave that some thought, and after hours of mulling it over, I have an answer. So for those that ask that question to members of the LGBT+ community, and for those asking it of yourselves, here is my fabulously, fruity and flaming answer complete with a dusting of glitter…
As long as Judy sings, as long as Cher remains, as long as Bette is divine, for as long as rainbows dance in the streets of San Fransisco, for along as clothes need designers and homes need flare, for as long as hair needs styling, for as long as flowers need arranging, I will be not only proud of being gay, but thankful for every fucking minute. I know what you’re saying. "How can you say that knowing there is a world of people out there that hate you?" Well, I’ll tell you why and how I can say that…being gay is part of who I am, part of what makes me — ME! And I am thankful for everything that I am.
I made the terrible mistake of listening to the close minded ideas of others and summarily returned to the closet for seven years, and I lived every day in absolute misery. I denied who I was, and in turn was forced to constantly dance around the truth and live a lie, and I hated it. When I had had enough; when life had said to me, "Be true to yourself;" when all the chips were down, and the cards were played and showing, I realized that by denying who I was I had robbed myself of life, liberty, and happiness. Life as a gay man is a constant struggle, a struggle that makes me stronger. Being gay, is happiness by its very definition, and grants the beauty of wearing a smile that brightens the day of each and every person I pass on the street. There’s a liberty, a freedom, in being gay that teaches me wisdom beyond the ages. These pillars of strength, beauty, and wisdom are the support structure on which I have built my life, and I NEVER want that to change.
When I was diagnosed with lupus, the nurse that came in with the test results could see my distress. He had on a pair of purple scrubs with little butterflies on them. His hair was styled and not a strand was out of place. When he lifted his arms, the band of his Calvin Klein bikini briefs was exposed. He sat down next to me as the doctor gave me the results, and he put his arm around my shoulders. When the doctor left the room, he said, "It’s going to be ok. You’re strong enough to make it." When I thanked him for his kindness, he turned to me and said, "No sweat, we gays have to stick together." I never told him I was gay, but he knew, and took the time to let me know I wasn’t alone. I just picked up and moved forward with life. After years of battling closed-mindedness and bigotry, after more than a decade of being hated for my sexual orientation, I was imbued with a strength of conviction that both that day and every day thereafter afforded me the power to persevere. Thank the gods for being gay.
My sisters have told me a million times over the years that "all the good ones are gay." I think it’s more accurate to say that MOST of the good ones are gay. Make no mistake, the LGBT community has its fair share of douche bags, emotionally distant assholes, and uncaring jackasses, but I like to think we hold the monopoly on "the good ones." Why is that? Gay relationships are, by default, are difficult. There aren’t that many of us in the world, and we tend to hunt each other down. When you find someone you really click with, you make extra effort to make it work. I think thats why long term gay relationships seem (at least to our friends and supporters) to be sound and unwaivering. When you put that much work into finding your soul mate, you tend not to want to fuck it up. Most of us are open about our emotions, say what we think, and have no trouble speaking the truth. Why? We spend the first part of our lives coming to terms with difficult feelings and the truth about who we are. Coming out for people is the final step in that process. If you can come out as a member of the LGBT community, there is very little in life left to cause you any real grief. Coming out for me (both times) was an affirmation of a literal, living truth, a valid and powerful expression of who I was emotionally, and the epitome of loving oneself. I so thankful I’m gay.
Personally, I think of myself (and have gone on record many times with this) as an ass. I’m loud, outspoken, honest to the point of brutality, and sometimes very insensitive. It’s odd that so many people like me. I’m not saying that to blow my own horn (from this keyboard to the goddess’s ears), but it’s true. I’m well liked by many people and have been told on many occasions that my kindness has made a difference to someone. As a classroom teacher, I had students tell me all the time that they could always count on me for sound advice, a shoulder to lean on, a fun atmosphere, and a caring heart. One student even told me, "Mr. Jason, you are the only guy I know who can give a person a verbal ass whooping and make them smile about it." I still laugh at that. It still blows my mind why anyone, including David, likes me, but I guess there’s just something about me people appreciate. I like to think its because I’m honest, and that comes from being gay. Living in the truth of who you are takes a spiritual and emotional strength like none other, and doing it as a gay man in a straight world makes it all the more substantial. Being homosexual has made me more honest Praise the trees I’m a homo.
Humor goes along with happiness, and as I said before, gay is happy by default, which is ironic given that so many of us are forced to live in the shadows of unhappiness. Those shadows are cast by those who stand between us and the light, the light of living in joy. They rise up like mountains telling us that we are freaks of nature, disgraces, and deviants. They call us pedophiles and perverts. They push us around, call us names, and make jokes at our expense. Why do they do that? Because they are jealous. Jealous because they aren’t happy with themselves, so they don’t want us to be. When you come out, you say to the world, "I’m happy about who I am." That’s what makes you gay. It’s been my experience that gay people are freaking hilarious, in fact, every gay person I know is comedian (though some of them are only funny to themselves *evil grin*). If your feeling down, find a room full of queens talking about their ex-boyfriends, and I promise you’ll be laughing in 2.7 seconds. And, I can’t speak for the Ls, the Bs, and the Ts, but gay men can take a joke better than anyone, because…if you can take a dick, you can take a joke. Can I get amen my brothers? Yay for gay!
I love that I can walk into the lingerie section of any department store in the city and say, "Don’t worry, I’m gay." The salespeople, at that point, think nothing of my 6 foot, 300 lb. hairy-self picking out bras. I think its amazing that I can break into song and dance in the middle of the mall as though I were a cast member of Glee and people think nothing of it. Hell, some of my friends will join in the chorus. If I decide I want to strike a pose with a cardboard cut out of Johnny Depp, I can count on one of my friends to be there to take a cell shot. I am thrilled that I can dance in my car to the latest Gaga song and know that all strange looks and eyerolls will be placated in seconds, when they see the rainbow sticker on the bumper. "Oh that explains it. It’s ok. gays can do that," says the driver of the Lexus behind me. I can do just about anything crazy, out of the ordinary extraordinary, and utterly bizarre that I want to do and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that as soon as someone knows I’m gay, they will think nothing of it. Hell, just last week I got a phone call from a friend back home who said, "You remember that time you asked the waitress if she sold marshmallows by the pound. The look on her face was priceless. If it had come from anyone else, I would have thought you were nuts man, but knowing you, I just laughed." Anyone else but me… I like that idea. Why can I do those things? When I came out, I broke the shackles and chains of oppression, social expectation, close minded tradition, and uneducated opinion to run headlong in the freedom of being me. If you can do that, what else can hold you back? *does the glad-I’m-a-queen dance.*
Of all the reasons I’m glad I’m gay, the one that is the most important is this: Each and everyone of you. I have a diverse group of friends with sound minds, caring hearts, and powerful convictions. I have a support system filled with wisdom, strength, and beauty. I am granted political commentary, band camp stories, vegan recipes, magic, late night coffee at Denny’s, Equality carols on christmas tree lane, drunken shopping trips, unkempt eyebrows, random penis exposures, hours of staring at each other for no good reason, weird sayings and catch phrases, stressing out over events, dancing through Fashion Fair, ninja suits, DnD games, 153,000 name changes, tranny zombies, tacky jokes, and the security of knowing that at any time, day or night, someone will be there. And of course, if I weren’t gay, I wouldn’t have the love of my life, David. I am Blessed to be Gay, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
To my LGBT brothers and sisters, remember that being LGBT doesn’t define you…you define it. Be thankful for who you are and what you’ve become. Don your brightest clothes, style your hair, and strut. Be beautiful in your own way. Smile at the sun and wave at a random stranger. Spread the happiness. Offer your hand to someone in need, shoulder the worries of those who have yet to find peace, and cry with those who’ve yet to find their tears. Share the strength. Dance in the moment and sing anytime the mood strikes. Live in freedom.
And to our allies…Thanks for being you. We couldn’t do it without you. Happy thanksgiving!
In the grip of madness,
Jase
