Several times over the course of the last year, I’ve heard the opposition (and by opposition, I mean those that oppose marriage equality) say that we are trying to "redefine" family and marriage. So, I thought I’d take the time to do a little research into the matter, to see if that’s what we are really trying to do.
First of all, let’s look at who "defines" words. Are they defined by experience? By a life of study and experimentation? Are they defined by society and its standards? By culture? By religious belief? The fact is, all of these things come into play when defining a word. Since most of our opposition lay claim to a religious affiliation, then in fairness, we shall use the dictionary most commonly associated with the American language. Noah Webster is credited with the creation of the Dictionary of the English Language in 1806. This dictionary was not officially completed until 1952. Mr. Webster was a deacon of the Congregational church, and in 1833, translated a copy of the bible which was readable in the English common to his day. Webster’s Bible was not very popular, since many prefer the older King James version, and never reached its claim to fame, though it is available under public domain today. Why is this information important? Well, Mr. Webster was obviously Christian and divinely inspired, and I will be using his definition of family and marriage, to prevent our opponents from saying that I took my definitions from a non-Christian source.
The original definition of family from Webster’s 1913 dictionary reads:
"The collective body of persons who live in one house, and under one head or manager; a household, including but not limited to parents, children, and servants, and, as the case may be, lodgers or boarders."
I think there are a few points here that merit highlighting. "A collective body of persons who live in one house, and under one head or manager." So, if I am to take this definition at its literal level, then any number of people living in one house with one person in charge is a family? So am I to understand that all prisoners living in a prison with the warden in charge are a family? Or perhaps all patients living in a mental facility with the Dean of Psychiatry in charge are a family? I think most of us would agree that is a bit of a stretch. Let’s look further into Mr. Webster’s definition. "A household, including but not limited to parents, children, servants, and as the case may be, lodgers or boarders." With that in mind, we find that biological connections are not necessary for a group of people to be a family. From what I can gather in this definition, it is, as with most things, up to interpretation within the limits of the definition. Thus, it is my job to decide who lives in my home and who I consider to be "my family." Odd, that one of the oldest Celtic proverbs states simply "Friends are the family we choose." This was written centuries before Noah Webster was born, centuries before the establishment of current religious institutions, and is, in fact, similar in context to the oldest known definition of "the family unit."
Now, let’s move on to marriage. Webster’s orignal 1913 definition of marriage reads:
"The act of marrying, or the state of being married; the contracted, legal union of a man and a woman for life, as husband and wife."
This is the point where I’m going to start stepping on toes, since there are many people within the LGBT+ community who would disagree with what I’m about to say. Marriage by the classic definition is, as shown, the "….union of a man and woman for life, as husband and wife." So, in order for same sex couples to have a "marriage" we would need to "redefine" marriage…or would we? Since 1913, seven new versions of Webster’s creation have been adapted. The current version, last edited in 1983 (more than 20 years ago), includes the following definition:
"The state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law; OR the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage."
So, we don’t have to redefine it. They did this for us more than 20 years before Proposition 8 came into being. You know what though? I’m a nice guy, so I’ll let them have their word, as long as I get a word that has the same rights and privileges attached to it. A union? Hell, I’m happy with domestic partnership as long as I get the same rights as everyone else. They can just redefine domestic partnership to include all the things that marriage has to offer. Then, everyone wins! Of course, they aren’t going to do that, or concede to it, I should say, because that would be too easy. Let’s face it, they aren’t mad about a word, their mad because someone is challenging their archaic way of thinking and proving repeatedly that they are W R O N G!. But, I digress…
Having said all of that, the time has come for me to insert my 2 cents. Family isn’t just about a bunch of people living in a house. Hell, college roommates often share their living space for years and remain complete strangers. Their are children that grow up in homes with parents who are emotionally absent. I have a friend that refers to his dog as his sister and favorite sibling, even though he has 2 brothers that are quite human. Why? Because she listens to him and doesn’t judge him. Sounds like a good sister to me. A family is so much more than people. It’s a massive, fluctuating hurricane of emotions, experiences, truths, arguments, and attitudes culminating into a cohesive unit of unparalleled interconnectivity. A family is a group of people living within a home founded on joy, surrounded with understanding on all sides, roofed with a protective shield of faith for one another, filled with peace and love, and having a door whose threshold is accepting, generous, and kind. A home is built by the individuals who dwell within it, and in most cases it begins with two people and it grows, and never stops. Two people who unite their souls in an expression of commitment, whose hearts merge to become the pulse of…their family. Are there really people in this world who believe that gender hinders this? Do they believe that the love two women share in a lesbian relationship is any less powerful, simply because there’s no man in the picture? Is it possible they have convinced themselves that two men are incapable of expressing generosity and kindness because a woman isn’t present? Surely, not? Sadly, they have.
My mother was raised by her widowed grandmother. Her life was influenced by the presence of many people, but it was my great grandmother who made her house a home, a home for my mother, the mother who taught me that everyone is worth knowing. My mother, who taught me that their is beauty in all things and all people, and that music lives in the heartbeat of the world, in turn found my father, and they built another home. A home with a door that was open to everyone. They have helped to raise and take in many young people who were not their own, and shared with them the kindness that comes from expressing love through charity–a family they chose. Many of those young people now have families of their own, families crafted from all types of people and relationships. And to think, it all began in a single parent home.
Emily Burnias and Lori Todd worked together to raise two beautiful children, one of which who was born with severe birth defects. The doctors told them, he wouldn’t make…repeatedly. First, they said he wouldn’t make it to a a year old. Then, they said, he probably won’t make it to 2 years old…and then 3, and 6, and 10, 15…but he lived. This year, DJ "Buggy" Todd Burnias, at the age 18, passed into the hereafter, leaving behind a legacy of joy. A child who lived most of his mortal life in pain, but smiled at every moment. Together, Emily and Lori laughed, cried, celebrated, tolerated, fought, and hoped. Trough darkness and life, sickness and health, sorrow and joy, they raised their children. They stood by each other to fight for lgbt rights, all the while, caring for their children and keeping them safe. At DJ’s passing, their friends came together in support, friends from all walks of life. That family made it through one of the darkest moments in the life of a parent…and they did it, together..as one.
At the end of the day, when I rest my head on my pillow, when the clothes are folded and the dishes are put away, when the sun has long set and the moon is high in the sky, the man the lays his head next to mine and says, "how was your day?" is my family. When my joints ache and my head throbs, the man who brings me a couple of Tylenol and a kiss on the forehead is my family. When I’m stressing out, throwing a fit, and threatening to murder the closed minded bigots who laugh and point in the grocery store, the man that calms my storm (or in some cases fans my flame) is my family. The man I have chosen to be my lifelong friend and companion, the man who shares my life, the man who melds with my soul, the man whose heart beats with mine to be the pulse of our home…he is my family, he is my husband, and I am his. I don’t need your damn permission, I don’t need your archaic terminology, and I don’t need your approval, but by the gods, I will have your rights, your privileges, and your recognition.
Who is my family? They are too many to count these days, but know that if I have called you a friend, then I count you among many brothers and sisters. My family is a melting pot of race, ethnic backgrounds, cultures, religions and faiths, socioeconomic status, gender and orientation…and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are always welcome at my table. As long as I have it to give, it is yours to have. As long as blood runs in my veins, as long as I draw breath, and as long as my spirit remains within this mortal shell…and beyond…you are loved, cared for, and wanted.
To Dr. James Dobson, the Family Research Council, and all of your like minded thinkers: We aren’t redefinig family…we’re reaffirming it and living it in your face.
