Mz. Pink,
My girlfriend cheated on me, so in an act of anger, I cheated on her. We have been together for awhile and when this happened we had a few years behind us. Now that the cheat¬ing has passed and we have had some time to heal, we still can’t seem to get over it. We fight about it constantly, we have no trust for each other and we are always jealous of one another. What can we do to make this better? Can we be fixed?
Before She Cheats
Hello Before,
I do believe that things can work out between the two of you, but it is just going to take a lot of work and trust. So, if you are willing to do that then you can take the next step in repairing your relationship.
The key is to remember that you love each other and want to make it work, even on your darkest days together. Try to keep that in mind. It will help to clear some of the animosity and anger from the past.
The first thing you need to do is sit down and talk. Communicate the occurrences (with or without detail — whatever you are comfortable with) letting each other know why the cheating happened, what made it happen and, most importantly, what things both of you can do to avoid cheating in the future.
Find out if you meet each other’s needs or not. If not, then, sad as it is separating may be the best choice. You don’t want to stay together out of hope that you will get back to where you were. You want to put forth the effort to make sure you not only get back to where you were, but even in to a better place.
When you are communicating, do not drink alcohol; keep the surroundings light and comfortable, so you don’t fight. The key is to talk, listen, talk, listen etc. When you start to get angry you start to lose focus and then all the progress you hopefully were starting to make will go down the drain.
Discuss where you were, what your mental state was when you cheated and where your mind is now. Tell her you love her and want to get past this for the sake of your relationship. Make sure she feels the same.
It is important to remember to be completely honest, no matter how uncomfortable it might make you. Remind her that you want the same from her. Get everything in the open. Once it is there, then you can both recommend coming up with solutions to each problem. Compromise on what might work. Plan weekly dates, plan sex (if it isn’t happening), set a night aside to spend intimate time together, have a movie night; even plan a night out separately with complete trust.
Just talk beforehand, let her know if you are feeling jealous or skeptical about her going out. Let her know to at least let you know she is OK sometime during the night and that you won’t bother her unless it’s an emergency. You have to learn to trust her again and you will never get there if you suffocate her. That could make her cheat again and this would set you back or even break you up.
Avoid accusing. If she says she isn’t cheating try to trust her, unless there are signs and then discuss them with her rationally. Remember anger is blind and it makes you approach situations blindly. Instead of regretting an unnecessary fight later, stay calm about things and discuss with an open mind. Just don’t accuse because it makes you look guilty.
If you start to feel the itch to cheat again, let your partner know. She has a right to fix the problem before it gets out of hand and that is what you must tell her. Let her know you’re feeling lonely, angry, jealous (or whatever you’re feeling) and tell her what you want her to do to help you through it. Don’t jump overboard and cheat — give her time to understand you. Finally, if you feel that strongly about cheating yourself then you shouldn’t be together. Nobody deserves to be hurt in a relationship — you or her — no matter who cheated on whom first. If you have the mentality of “well you did it first” then you can’t and won’t be able to heal and move on together.
Good luck!
Mz. Pink
